Lonely nights.~

I absolutely hate nights like this. One of my mood swings hit me and I suddenly feel very depressed and very alone.. Like everyone I love is just out of my reach. I feel like crying and curling into a ball.. I feel like hiding away from everything and everyone. I feel hurt.. Unneeded, unappreciated.. Unwanted.. I just want to feel loving arms wrap around me. I want, for once, someone to pull me closer and whisper into my ear that they love me, that they need me..

Why is it that I seem to be the one to repel happiness? It's like I'm wearing a perfume called "Good guys get the hell away from me." I seem to only attract the ones that treat me like nothing, or the ones that use me. Or hell, I seem to be "lucky" enough to get a combination of the two. I'm just THAT amazing.

I try my hardest to be there for anyone I can, I want to help and make others happy. I'm the girl that ignores my own happiness for another's. I'm the girl that jumps to defend, it's called loyalty. Something that seems to no longer exist.

Shower time!!

So, as most people (probably do.) I was thinking hardcore while I was in the shower. My mind filled with lots of questions that I really didn't know the answer too. Like for one.. Why is one of my favorite songs "Follow Me." By Uncle Kracker? I mean, it's about a man that is sleeping with a married woman.
Why do I get feelings for two guys at one time? And why is it always so hard for me to choose between them?
Why is life so difficult? And why has money become so damn important to everyone?

It seems like life has become so much more difficult then it needs to be.

Anywho, I had a great shower. Nothing like a hot shower to wash all your worries away!!

Bumpy morning.~

So, this morning I was woken up by a very impatient guy. I didn't answer the four phone calls to my phone, so, he called the house phone to my friends house and had my friend's mother come wake me up just because he wanted to tell me he loves me. Now, I know it might sound romantic, and trust me it was the first three months. But after awhile, it just becomes annoying. Here's a little tip boys, for the southern women, when we find something cute don't do it excessively. Or it won't be cute anymore. Unless of course, she's head over heels for you. Look guys, a woman can and will stop loving you AS MUCH if you don't keep that spark going. And I don't just mean in the bedroom. Because trust me, sex isn't everything. It may seem like it when you're young, or even as you get older. But when you get old, old it's not going to matter as much. If sex is your whole life then you need to get your priorities straight. Now, I'm not saying sex isn't important in a relationship, because we all know that it is. But I'm just trying to say that it isn't EVERYTHING. Make sense? Relationships are never perfect, unless of course you somehow have that spark.. That.. Every time you so much as hear his voice your heart jumps out of your chest, spark. But I learn that's hard to come by.

Anyway, my point is that relationships are important, keep it going, blah blah you get it. :P

Scatter brained sleepy head.~

So, I just downloaded the blogger app on my phone. It's soooooo much easier to use then going onto safari and trying to maneuver through the page there. I kinda have problems sleeping at night, especially when it comes time to "turn my brain off." Unless I spend the weekend staying at my boyfriends house. Then I pass out the moment my head hits the pillow. But that is due to the fact we have a very... Active.. Sex life. (We're all adults here.) needless to say, it's much harder for me to sleep during the week days.. Unless I begin to lead a more active life style. I have no problem being active you see, it's just that I don't have very many friends, and the friends I do have aren't very active either. This my friends, is what can cause people to get fat. No motivation and boredom. Even when I'm absolutely DETERMINED to lose weight and eat healthy.. I ALWAYS get bored. Why can't I ever find exercise plans and dieting plans that DON'T COST MONEY. Don't they make stuff for us broke people? Bleh, I'll figure it out sooner or later. (Hopefully sooner rather then later.)

Okay, now I'm getting sleepy, so I now need to attempt sleepy by time! Goodnight sweetie pies!

A brighter side

So, despite the fact that my so called "parents" took most of my shit, and threatened to call the cops if I don't give them 70 dollars by the 16th.. I still found a place to live for awhile. Shit's gonna be hard for awhile but I'm eighteen now and I've gotta learn to stand on my own two feet now. I've gotten three sections of my GED done, all that's left is two.  So far I've gotten writing, social studies and reading completed (though I still need to find a way to request my scores.) I need to complete science and math. Math just so happens to be my worst subject.. And the hardest for me to learn. I'm pretty confident however, that I can do it. I may not be in job corps, (pronounced Job Core) anymore, but I still have alot of the work in my bag.. I'm determined to finish it.

Things aren't perfect, but I'm hoping they'll get better soon. I have friends that care about me. My own family... Yeah well they can go to hell. I hope they gave a long, bumpy ride. What people need to understand is that treating your own child, siblings like shit is NOT ACCEPTABLE!! I used to be afraid I'd become like my mother, it made me not want to have my own children. But now I'm positive that I will NEVER be like her.  They've kept me locked in my room for five years, they've called me names, told me I'd never become anything, would never do anything, that no one would ever love me, called me fat, they've just.. Made me feel like I'm nothing. But I know that I'll do something with my life. I'll have some kind of purpose.. I know that I'll make it somehow.

Inside The Writer's Head.~

Everything is always so confusing. My emotions are constantly swirling around, masking my head hurt. Until I literally begin to feel nothing and even then, the headaches don't seem to want to go away. It's so hard to explain to everyone exactly how I feel when I don't even understand my own emotions. I hate having to rely on other people.. For money, for love, for affection.. For sexual release. It's like I'm trapped inside my own life without any control of what happens to me. I try so hard to please other people but it seems to do nothing. Yes, I'm lazy. Yes I can be bossy, jealous, insensitive, moody, temperamental, depressing, and irritable. But if none can handle me at my worst, do they deserve to be there for my best? There are good sides of me too.. But it always seems like no one wants to break down my shields to actually get to know the real me. I'm not naive enough to just continue giving everyone my all when it comes back to hurt me, without fail, each time. I have nothing, no job, no money, no house, nothing. I almost had my GED.. But I wasn't strong enough to give up my happiness and take the abuse so that I could finish.. I'd already gotten three sections.. If I could have just continued to take it long enough to get these last two sections done.. I would have gotten into college and had a car. But I had to go and piss them off.. Now they've kicked me out and I don't even have a place to live.. I'm homeless. I have no family that'll take me in and no friends that want to take on helping support a person with no money.. I know better then to get my hopes up and expect someone to "save" me. I knew better then to think someone would want too. But I gave into false happiness.

You have to understand that I'm not always like this. Most of the time I don't allow my emotions to overtake me like they have tonight. I'm lucky my parents haven't turned off my phone yet. I'm lucky that my friend has allowed me to stay here until tomorrow, Monday. I have no idea what I'm going to do after that.. Where I'm going to live...  Maybe a "friend" will let me borrow a tent.. Or I could find a empty house.. It's going to be really hard.. But I think I can make it.

Getting to know the writer

Hey everyone. So this is my first time ever creating a blog. It was recommended to me by a friend of mine who has some serious faith in my writing ability. So, for my first ever blog post, I thought I'd start out letting you get to know me. I'm an eighteen year old southern woman living in the east coast. I have multicolored hair, (Don't ask it's a long story.) which is black, red and then mixed with my natural hair color brown. Yes, it was accidental. I have blue eyes and somewhat pale skin. No, I am not model skinny. In fact, I actually have meat on my bones. (Imagine that.) I stand at five foot five inches, I have a smart mouth and a fiery temper. Yet I have a kind heart, tolerance and patience. In all honesty, I wasn't sure what to put here until I started typing.. So I'm a little nervous. But, I'll be happy if this is read and responded too.. (I hope that's how it works.)