Inside The Writer's Head.~

Everything is always so confusing. My emotions are constantly swirling around, masking my head hurt. Until I literally begin to feel nothing and even then, the headaches don't seem to want to go away. It's so hard to explain to everyone exactly how I feel when I don't even understand my own emotions. I hate having to rely on other people.. For money, for love, for affection.. For sexual release. It's like I'm trapped inside my own life without any control of what happens to me. I try so hard to please other people but it seems to do nothing. Yes, I'm lazy. Yes I can be bossy, jealous, insensitive, moody, temperamental, depressing, and irritable. But if none can handle me at my worst, do they deserve to be there for my best? There are good sides of me too.. But it always seems like no one wants to break down my shields to actually get to know the real me. I'm not naive enough to just continue giving everyone my all when it comes back to hurt me, without fail, each time. I have nothing, no job, no money, no house, nothing. I almost had my GED.. But I wasn't strong enough to give up my happiness and take the abuse so that I could finish.. I'd already gotten three sections.. If I could have just continued to take it long enough to get these last two sections done.. I would have gotten into college and had a car. But I had to go and piss them off.. Now they've kicked me out and I don't even have a place to live.. I'm homeless. I have no family that'll take me in and no friends that want to take on helping support a person with no money.. I know better then to get my hopes up and expect someone to "save" me. I knew better then to think someone would want too. But I gave into false happiness.

You have to understand that I'm not always like this. Most of the time I don't allow my emotions to overtake me like they have tonight. I'm lucky my parents haven't turned off my phone yet. I'm lucky that my friend has allowed me to stay here until tomorrow, Monday. I have no idea what I'm going to do after that.. Where I'm going to live...  Maybe a "friend" will let me borrow a tent.. Or I could find a empty house.. It's going to be really hard.. But I think I can make it.